Our Needs Matter

Part II: Medication Change

Trigger warning: This post includes content related to mental illness and domestic abuse. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call 911 or reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline by calling 1 (800) 273-8255 or by internet messaging. If you have experienced domestic abuse, you can contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1 (800) 799-7233 or by internet messaging by clicking the red “Chat Now“ button on their website.

Taking medication does not change who we are or our core values. End stigmatization.

Although May’s My Mighty Month challenge for Mental Health Awareness Month has come and gone, our needs still matter.

On December 1, 2014, I began taking a medication that my doctor prescribed to help me manage my anxiety and depression without returning to my eating disorder behaviors (i.e., restricting my food and exercising excessively). Psychotherapy and nutrition therapy were not enough. I remember that day clearly because it was a very eventful day for me. On that day, as well as beginning to take a psychiatric medication, I ended an abusive relationship with a man I was dating, and I graduated from an intensive outpatient program for my eating disorder.

There are many reasons that I ended the relationship, but the “nail in the coffin” was his objection to me taking prescription psychiatric medication. He told me that it would change who I am. He urged me to try marijuana instead. (Side note: A court had convicted him of domestic abuse against his ex-girlfriend, and, as a condition of his probation, they prohibited him from using weed.) He tried to pressure me to have sex before trying medication. He argued that a) it might make me happy and cure my depression (as if that is how mental illnesses work), or b) at least he would be able to have sex with me before I was fundamentally altered by medication. My response was a resounding, assertive, “No.” I broke up with him the next morning.

The decision to take medication was a decision made by me and my doctor for my well-being. Anyone who does not support my well-being does not deserve an important place in my life.

If you and your physician or psychiatrist decide that psychiatric medication is an important tool to improve your well-being, take medication. If you and your doctor decide that there are better options for you, that is okay, too.

Everybody’s needs are different. At this point in my life, I need medication, and I need support taking it. That is okay. We all need to work to dismantle the stigma associated with taking psychiatric medication and create a society that supports mental health care.

When I am going through a medication change I need…

the exact opposite response from the one I received when I started taking medication in the first place.

I want you to understand that my brain is an organ of my body just like any other. There should be no more shame in receiving treatment for my brain than for receiving medical care for any other part of my body. If I broke my leg, you would not question getting a cast, would you? Similarly, if my brain has imbalanced chemicals, you should not object to treating that imbalance.

Taking psychiatric medication does not change who I am or my core values. In fact, it does not even make me happy or take away my anxiety or depression. By taking medication, I intend only to make those ailments more manageable, so they interfere less with my life.

I want you to understand that changing medications is scary, and the process of finding the right medication can be exhausting. Each time I try a new medication, I fear and wonder…Will it help? Will it make things worse? Will there be negative side effects? Will I receive even more stigmatization? Will I ever find one that helps? Will my doctor give up on me? Will you stop loving me?

I am now in the process of changing my medications AGAIN. I have tried so many meds that I cannot keep track of them. When my psychiatrist (well, technically she is a Certified Nurse Specialist specializing in psychiatric, mental health, and psychosocial nursing with subspecialties in substance abuse and eating disorders) asked, “Have you tried ‘x’?” I had to ask her to check my records. It is very disappointing to not find a medication that works after years of trialing new ones. Sometimes, I feel broken — not even medication can make me feel okay.

In order to take care of myself today, I have to take the new medication even though it scares and tires me. I have to attune myself to potential benefits or side effects. I have to advocate honestly for myself if the side effects outweigh the benefits. I have to fight against stigmatization. I have to remove people from my life who do not support my well-being.

You can best support me by loving me. Accept that at this point in my life I am fighting for my mental health, and this fight includes trialing new medications. Help me manage unforeseen side effects. Remind me that appearance-based side effects, such as weight change and acne, are unimportant. Reassure me that you know that medication does not fundamentally change me or my core values and that those are the things you love about me. Hold hope for me when I feel like I will never find a medication that makes my mental illnesses feel manageable. Fight stigma with and for me.

What support do you need when you are experiencing a medication change? 

Always remember that your needs matter.