A Full New Year

For me, January used to be a month of “healthy eating” and exercise, quickly followed by a February of chocolate and rest. During my recovery journey, I realized I could not make progress toward recovery while perpetuating this harmful cycle. Thus, I abandoned traditional new year resolutions.

In January 2019, rather than making resolutions, I picked a word, “compassion,” to guide me during the year. I selected another word to lead me in 2020, but before I discuss that, I want to reflect on 2019.

Reflections on 2019

2019 was one of the most devastating and most rewarding years of my life. I completely upended my life. I moved across the country, leaving my home, my career, and my long-term relationship.

I started 2019 in a deep depression and with debilitating anxiety. I felt like I needed to prove that I was worthy of existing.

Career

I prepared for a career in museums for years. I worked and studied as an archaeologist, and I worked in museum collections since 2011. I even earned my master’s degree in Museum and Field Studies from CU-Boulder (a very reputable program). In January 2016, I landed my first job in museum collections after earning my master’s degree. The location was great, and I loved the work I was doing. Thus, I continued working there for years.

By the beginning of 2019, I had been working there for three years. Yet somehow, I was still classified as a “temporary” employee. I did not qualify for paid vacation, sick days, personal days, or even holidays. Further, I was not earning a high enough hourly wage to sustain a comfortable lifestyle. I felt entirely unappreciated and unsupported by upper management, which diminished my self-esteem and feeling of worthiness. I continually worried because I was unable to save money for the future I envisioned. For years, I advocated for a promotion. Finally, I got a better job title, but it came without additional pay or benefits. My job, which I loved and had trained for throughout my entire adult life, was no longer financially and emotionally sustainable.

Relationship

I was going through a lot at work during the beginning of 2019, but what shook me even harder was the status of my romantic relationship. I shared the last three and a half years with a man who I loved deeply. We lived together with my dog in a small apartment near the foothills.

Neither he nor I was happy. We acknowledged our unhappiness and talked about it openly in hopes of resolving it. However, he felt stifled, and I felt unsupported. Despite my best efforts, I watched a chasm grow between us, and I witnessed him falling for a woman, who I had considered as one of my best friends. Whether he recognized it at the time or not, she was who he had hoped I could be. I was devastated. I begged for couples therapy, but I think it was already clear to him that our problems were insurmountable, even with the aid of a trained professional. Likewise, it was clear to me that without therapy, we had no chance. We decided to end the relationship. I cried for months (while still living with him and seeing him connect more and more deeply with the abovementioned woman). It was so painful that I needed to move.

At this point, I was struggling so much with depression and anxiety, as well as the loss of relationships with my long-term boyfriend and best friend, so I knew I needed support. Thus, I decided to move across the country to my hometown into my childhood home with my mom.

Progress

I struggled with the decision to leave my museum job. I genuinely believed that I was particularly skilled at museum collections management work. Even though upper management did not validate me, I was proud of the quality work I was doing. There were no appropriate museum positions, for which I could apply, open in the Milwaukee area. So, instead, I applied for and accepted a job at a nonprofit advocacy organization. I am not as confident about my skills here, but now I feel like my work is meaningful and appreciated. Further, I get paid holidays! I could not ask to work for a better organization.

Likewise, my move allowed me to meet new people. I was hesitant to try meeting new people, especially potential dating partners, at first due to the heartbreak and betrayal I was still feeling. When I gave it a try, it was one of the best things I could have done. I found a partner who truly values and appreciates me. He prioritizes our relationship while maintaining and working towards ambitious personal goals, too. I have never felt so truly and unconditionally loved by a partner before.

With newfound confidence from being valued in a workplace and a relationship, I began to believe that I deserve the life of my dreams. In November, I bought my own home. I decorated it with figurines and images of bears, moose, trees, and mountains. It truly feels like home for me and my puppy. I have this solid structure and foundation to come back to at the end of the day to shelter me and keep me safe.

2019 has prepared me to enter into the new decade with a new outlook, perspective, and hope for the future.

Full in 2020

Compassion toward myself and others allowed me to move away from a job and relationship that did not value me enough and into a life doing meaningful work surrounded by love and appreciation. In 2020, I will continue to cultivate compassion, one of my top values, but my new guiding word is… “full.”

Growing up as a woman in the United States, I have internalized deprivation as a virtue and restriction as an accomplishment. As I continue along my recovery journey, I recognize the flaws in this. So, this year, I will fight those notions and strive to experience fullness.

Full tummy. Full Recovery.

For the past several years, I have been living in partial recovery. I regularly eat a variety of foods. I am no longer emaciated, freezing, or faint. My hair is not falling out, and I am not in imminent danger of experiencing the life-threatening medical consequences of eating disorders. I do not, however, live in full recovery as an intuitive eater. The “recovery meal plan” that my treatment team gave me, not my intuition, primarily guides my eating decisions.

For over five years, my meal plan prescribed what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. In 2020 and beyond, I fully allow myself to break the meal plan’s rules, like how treatment permitted me to disregard the eating disorder’s rules. This time, however, I will not replace the rules with another set of them. Rather, I will allow my intuition and guiding word, full, to lead me.

For example, I have followed my meal plan’s rules when determining what to eat. I have been selecting which foods to eat to meet the requirements of the exchange system (e.g., two grains, two fats, three proteins, and one vegetable for lunch). God forbid I eat too many grains and not enough protein at any particular meal (insert eye roll)! I have even been using my meal plan to determine the appropriate number of times to eat, too. Hungry outside of my allotted three meals, three snacks, and dessert with dinner? Too bad. Finally, I have been portioning my food based on the amounts determined in treatment. These practices frequently left me feeling hungry and unsatisfied. I feel trapped by my recovery meal plan. In addition to feeling hungry, although my weight is stable, it is suppressed.

This year, I permit myself to eat between regular meals and snacks. I allow myself to feel full after every eating experience. I even permit myself to eat past the feeling of comfortable fullness.

Fulfilling Life

I believe that experiencing a full tummy will help me lead a more fulfilling life. First, I think that it will lead me to full recovery from my eating disorder and subsequent disordered eating. It will allow me to be present for a life full of experiences, full of dog snuggles and play, full of celebration, and full of rest. It will free my mind of food preoccupations, so my life can be full of environmental, social justice, gun violence prevention, and fat activism. Perhaps most importantly, living from a place of abundance, rather than deprivation, will allow me to experience a life full of authentic, unconditional love. 

In 2020, the simple, four-letter word, full, will guide me.

What will be your guiding word for the start of the new decade?