The Intersection of Identity, Pregnancy, and Body Image

An Interview with Anonymous

Trigger warning: This post has content related to pregnancy and eating disorders and describes certain eating disorder behaviors. If you are struggling with an eating disorder, please reach out to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) Helpline. Call (800) 931-2237, or use the “Click to Chat” option. If you are experiencing a crisis, call 911, or text “NEDA” to 741741.

1. Describe the most important aspects of your identity in one to three sentences.

As of now, the most prominent aspects of my identity are that I am a female, an academic, and a new mother.

2. With which of these descriptors do you identify? Please explain.

• Age: Young, middle-aged, old, or other?
• Body Size: Thin, fat, or other?
• Race/Ethnicity: White, POC, or other?
• Sexual orientation: Asexual, demisexual, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or other?
• Gender: Cisgender, transgender, agender, genderqueer, non-binary, or other?
• Ability: Able-bodied, disabled, or other?
• Eating Disorder Status: Struggling with an eating disorder, recovered from an eating disorder, never had an eating disorder or other?
• Other ways in which your body or identity is marginalized (or not).

I am a young, white, mostly heterosexual, able-bodied, cisgender woman who recovered from an eating disorder. The fact that I am able-bodied has become more noticeable after having a child. I went from hardly being able to get out of bed to now being able to run again. While I acknowledge that I have great privilege, I think one of the few ways I experience marginalization is in being a woman. There are a lot of pressures on the female body and how it “should” look during different life stages (e.g., early adulthood) and for different momentous events (e.g., marriage, pregnancy, postpartum). In the past couple of years, I’ve gone through some major life events from marriage to motherhood, and my body has changed significantly with them.

3. What was your relationship to food and your body like growing up?

I think my relationship with food changed around puberty. I distinctly remember a doctor telling me I was overweight and should eat no more than x calories a day (at the age of 12!). I started to notice other girls were much thinner than me and my mother’s comments about dissatisfaction with her own body started to resonate with me. I had several family members call me fat. In my house, we often talked about dieting, calories, and exercise. This led to a pretty unhealthy relationship with food.

4. Did these experiences with a doctor and your family trigger your eating disorder to begin? With what eating disorder did you struggle?

I think these young experiences created the foundation for my eating disorder later on. I first had disordered eating the summer before college. During my sophomore year I restricted my caloric intake to x calories, worked out again everyday usually for at least x hours, and would induce vomiting if I thought the food I ate wasn’t “healthy enough.” I’m not quite sure what triggered my eating disorder, but I remember telling my boyfriend at the time that I really hated myself.

5. How were you able to recover? How long had you been recovered before you became pregnant?

I sought out professional help from a psychologist in the area. It took a little under a year for me to gain a healthier relationship with food and to stop inducing vomiting when I ate something “unhealthy.” I had been recovered for about four years before I became pregnant. I will admit that during those four years I still slipped up sometimes and induced vomiting, but I can count on one hand how many times that has happened. I also never engaged in those behaviors while pregnant.

6. How has being pregnant affected your relationship with food, your body, and your body image?

Pregnancy came with some negatives, but it also came with a lot of positives. I haven’t owned a scale in over five years, but, while pregnant, the doctor weighs you during every visit. Often the nurses would have me read my weight aloud to them in front of my husband, and that was somewhat triggering. It brought my weight to the center of my attention and made me focus on whether I was gaining “too much” or “too little” weight each week. It’s also a time when women are told to only eat x to x extra calories but to take in so many more nutrients! So, a lot of these things were really difficult in general and especially following a negative relationship with food.

My pregnancy was also a time when I allowed myself to eat what I wanted when I wanted, and that was pretty freeing. I had this whole new mentality of putting someone’s needs above my desire to be thin. I was supposed to be gaining weight, and that was ok. It was also really amazing to watch my body change so much in a short time. Pregnancy created a deep appreciation for my body: I GREW A WHOLE HUMAN!

7. How were you able to cope with being triggered by reading your weight aloud in front of your husband? What prevented you from slipping back into your eating disorder?

I really have to give a lot of credit to my husband. He could see I was obviously uncomfortable every time and so he would say encouraging things like “nice!” or “way to go!” He would remind me that I was on the right track for what was best for our child. I also did some different things on my own though. I would remind myself that I am supposed to be gaining weight/growing larger and it was good for my baby. Every time I felt close to slipping back into disordered eating, I would think about different things: how it would negatively affect my baby’s health or my general health, how my weight or size doesn’t determine my value, or how in the big picture being larger/changing sizes doesn’t really matter.

8. What do you wish your health care providers did differently to better support you during pregnancy? Were they aware of your history with an eating disorder?

First, I have to say I think my doctor was amazing in so many ways. She was patient, listened to my questions, and always made me feel knowledgeable and in control. She did ask at my first appointment if I now or in the past had an eating disorder, to which I answered I did in the past but I haven’t engaged in those behaviors in a long time. Although this was true, I think health providers should acknowledge that pregnancy can be a trigger and maybe check in throughout the pregnancy to see if the woman is having any difficulty with regards to food, weight, or body image. Also, don’t make women read their weight aloud in front of their partner; I think that’s a difficult experience even if you haven’t had an eating disorder.

9. How has your identity as a woman affected your body image during pregnancy?

I had a hard time with the pretty abrupt transition from being viewed as young and attractive to being pregnant and viewed as “maternal.”

10. If applicable, how has your relationship to food, your body, and your body image changed postpartum? And, how has your intersectional identity affected your body image after pregnancy?

Oh, this is a tough one because I’m in it now. I’m really struggling with the desire and pressure to “bounce back,” while also trying to juggle the demands of new motherhood. I don’t want to affect my milk supply in any way and sometimes I’m just too tired to go on a run in the morning or squeeze in a workout while he naps. I’m trying to be gentle and forgiving with myself during this time.

In regards to intersectionality, it’s also really weird to abruptly go from being pregnant and viewed as “maternal” to postpartum and again being sexualized. I had become very aware that while I was pregnant I did not get “checked out” by others, but during postpartum, I’m getting that kind of attention again. It’s just a very strange thing to experience.

11. When was your baby born? In what ways are you coping with your struggle with the desire and pressure to “bounce back?” What support do you need? Are you receiving it?

My baby boy was born on April 8^th. I think most of my coping with the desire to bounce back is by treating myself like I would treat one of my close friends. For example, I try to remember how incredible my body is for giving birth and that it’s ok if I don’t work out everyday.  I also give myself a lot of praise when I do work out, and I appreciate that my body is so strong. I have also started to distance myself from social media accounts that trigger my desire to bounce back and have started to follow more body positivity focused accounts. The support I think I find most helpful is having my partner or family reorient my attention towards all the positive things that my body has done. I would say my family and partner have done a great job supporting me. I was really afraid my family members would point out how I’m not back to my pre-pregnancy size, but instead they have been very positive.

12. What advice do you have for other people who are or may become pregnant as it relates to food, body, and body image?

Be kind and gentle with yourself. Try not to compare yourself to other pregnant women. Surround yourself with a good support system. Remember your body is doing incredible things during pregnancy and postpartum.

13. What can individuals and society do to better support people during pregnancy as it relates to food, body, and body image?

SO MUCH! Get rid of the notion of “bouncing back” after pregnancy; that’s just such an unnecessary pressure on women. I think it would be a lot better to create an expectation that our bodies will be different after pregnancy and an understanding that this is a good thing. I think there needs to be so much more positive messaging on pregnancy and postpartum, with a focus on allowing time for our bodies to heal, nourishing and taking care of our bodies, and creating an appreciation for our bodies. 

Readers, my heart aches for those of you have lost pregnancies or children. My thoughts are with you.

If you have been or are now at least six months pregnant and would like to share your story about pregnancy and body image, I would love to hear from you! Reach out to me on the Facebook page, the Contact Me section of this website, or in the comments below!