HOPE

Trigger warning: This post has content related to relapse and eating disorders. If you are struggling with an eating disorder, please reach out to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) Helpline. Call (800) 931-2237, or use the “Click to Chat” option. If you are experiencing a crisis, call 911, or text “NEDA” to 741741.

I need hope. Please hold hope for me.

Relapse

I have just experienced my third major relapse with anorexia nervosa despite putting so much effort into recovery. I do not know how much of these symptoms are attributable to my eating disorder and how much is due to my inability to sleep (a long story for another day), but my weight dropped back into the “underweight” category of the BMI, I was living in a constant state of (physical, mental, and emotional) exhaustion, I was constantly cold, my hair was falling out, and I was having an extremely difficult time concentrating. My depression, anxiety, and poor coping mechanisms had become extreme again. My inability to experience full recovery thus far (after struggling for about seven years) is extremely disappointing.

I often find myself overwhelmed with hopelessness about the future. Maybe I will never be able to get a full night’s sleep. Maybe I will never be healthy enough to have children. Maybe I will never overcome my depression and anxiety. Maybe I will never eat intuitively.

Recovery Progress

However, I have made progress. I have identified my core values: family, compassion, love, honesty, faithfulness in relationships, nature, and learning. I have learned to share my story of mental illness with honesty and with less shame. I have become a part of (or an ally to) the intuitive eating, health at every size, fat acceptance and liberation, anti-diet, and body positivity communities. I feel intensely anti-diet; I recognize the diet mentality and fatphobia in others, and I challenge it. I genuinely view people in all bodies (including very large bodies) as beautiful and worthy. I have left a job that has not felt supportive of my mental health. I eat three meals, three snacks, and dessert every day without guilt. I fully believe that many people have recovered from their eating disorders.

Relapse is expected along the recovery trajectory. It does not mean I cannot recover. I am re-feeding and back on the meal plan with which I left treatment. I am determined to recover. I am capable of recovery. If you struggle with an eating disorder, you are also capable of recovery, and I am holding hope for you.

2018 Denver NEDA Walk

This year, I am once again walking in the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) walk in Denver on September 9 to fundraise for NEDA. The money that I raise will support people like me and our families, who are affected by life-threatening eating disorders. The funds will support resources such as the NEDA Helpline, evidence-based prevention programs, and research grants for new treatments. If you can, consider walking with me or donating to support this cause. Use this link to my personal NEDA fundraising page, and click “Donate Now.” Even a seemingly small donation makes a big difference in the fight to prevent, provide access to care for, and cure eating disorders! (Plus, if I raise $100 by July 26, 2018, NEDA will recognize me with a NEDA bracelet that features the word “hope” with the NEDA symbol in the place of the “o” – an important reminder that, despite setbacks on this winding journey, there is hope for full recovery.)

We can and will recover.