Forgiving the Man Who Triggered My Eating Disorder

I am learning to forgive myself for things that I have done or experienced about which I have felt self-loathing, guilt, or shame. The Mighty’s My Mighty Month challenge for June also challenges us to forgive others if that feels possible and appropriate.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, to forgive is to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.”

For six years, I have been in the process of learning to forgive the man I was dating in college for repeating harmful messages to me about my body until he triggered my eating disorder, and I internalized fat-phobia. I first felt betrayed and heartbroken that my body was more important to him than my well-being or who I was as a person. Then, after a couple of years, anger and resentment set in. These feelings toward him for this offense are justified. All of the time lost and suffering endured due to my eating disorder could have been avoided if he valued who I was as a person and he did not focus on my body’s shape and size. I finally feel able and willing to put closure on this process.

Although I think it is beneficial to forgive him (i.e., let go of my anger), I am not pardoning his actions. That is not what forgiveness is about. What he did was wrong, and he should never do that to another person again. I am not minimizing his behavior, I will not forget what he did, I will not let it happen to me again, and I will continue to have emotions about the situation. (I will just no longer feel anger directed at him.) I am not forgiving him for his sake; I will not even directly tell him he is forgiven or be friends with him. In fact, I do not want to talk to him ever again. Ending that relationship and creating a boundary to prevent him from returning to my life was one of my best decisions. I am forgiving him for me. According to Andrea Brandt, Ph.D, who is a marriage and family therapist,

By forgiving, you are accepting the reality of what happened and finding a way to live in a state of resolution with it. This can be a gradual process—and it doesn’t necessarily have to include the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness isn’t something you do for the person who wronged you; it’s something you do for you.

I think that it would be beneficial to finally forgive him because…

1. Forgiving him will enhance my health and well-being. It is unhealthy for me to hold on to anger and allow it to worsen my depression and anxiety (Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T. 2016). “Forgiving [him] is a wonderful way to honor [myself]. It affirms to the universe that [I] deserve to be happy,” not angry (Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T. 2016).
2. Anger was an appropriate emotion, and I have allowed myself to fully sit with, name, accept, feel, express, and process my anger. I have used my anger for personal growth — to help me strengthen my boundaries and find my voice, but at this point, it is no longer serving me. Now it is time to let it pass.
3. As horribly as he treated me, his intention was to have his needs met, not hurt me. He “acted from limited beliefs and a skewed frame of reference” (Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T. 2016).
4. It will allow me freedom from what happened to me. “[I] will still remember what happened, but [I] will no longer be bound by it” (Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T. 2016).

I can put this forgiveness into practice by….

1. Acknowledging that I survived, and I have grown from the experiences of my eating disorder treatment and recovery. I have learned to be more assertive, to set boundaries, and to honor my needs. I have learned to be in a relationship with someone who values who I am, not what I look like. I have made friends with many other recovery warriors. Rather than continuing to grip anger, I can practice gratitude for the personal growth and friendships I have experienced as a result of the suffering he caused.
2. Writing (but not sending) a letter that conveys that I forgive him and that explains my feelings, thoughts, experiences, and anger (Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T. 2016).

So, here goes…

Dear College Boyfriend,

You hurt me. I loved and trusted you, and you betrayed me. You are directly responsible for triggering my eating disorder, which has caused me years of suffering. You shamed my clothing, my food choices, my activity-level, my lack of physical flexibility, and my body size, shape, and weight. I successfully resisted your hurtful messages for many months until I heard them so many times from you, someone who I trusted, that I internalized them. I believed that to be worthy of your love, a love I so desperately wanted to hold on to, that I needed to change my body. I stopped nourishing my body and I punished it with extreme workouts until I became emaciated and completely lost touch with my core values and identity. It is your fault, and I blame you. 

And, I forgive you. I know that you did not intend to hurt me. I understand that you were projecting your own limiting beliefs and insecurities on me. I know that you believed that you personally could not be happy, healthy, successful, or loved without first losing the large amount of weight that you lost. I will not forget what you did to me or ever allow you back into my life to have the opportunity to hurt me again, but I am no longer angry at you.

And, I thank you. I am grateful for all the lessons that I have learned on my recovery journey. I am grateful for learning to set boundaries, for learning the assertiveness formula, for the friends I have met who are fighting for recovery, for determining my core values, and for the purpose I have found in supporting others in recovery. When I finally emerge from my disorder fully recovered (and I know it will be soon), I will be a better person from the growth I have experienced through suffering and recovery.

In Forgiveness,

J

Reader, would it be beneficial for you to forgive someone who wronged you? Follow my model, or use The Might’s downloadable template. Share in the comments below!