Cultivating Self-Compassion Through Forgiveness

Trigger warning: This post includes content related to mental illness. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call 911 or reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline by calling 1 (800) 273-8255 or by internet messaging.

We all deserve forgiveness and compassion.

Many people living with eating disorders and other mental illnesses loath ourselves. We ruminate on every negative impact we have ever had on anybody in our lives and any mistakes we have made. We focus on our shortcomings and not the value that we add to the world. This can overwhelm us with feelings of guilt, shame, and anger directed towards ourselves.

As embracing our needs was The Mighty’s May My Mighty Month challenge (and the topic of some of my recent blog posts, including those on spoon theory, medication changes, and eating disorder recovery), forgiveness is the June My Mighty Month challenge. If you need to forgive yourself or someone else, but you do not know where to start, check out The Mighty’s downloadable templates.

In my life, I feel guilty for the deep fear, sadness, frustration, and financial burden that my eating disorder has caused my family, especially my parents.

At the worst part of my struggle with anorexia, I was so malnourished and emaciated that I probably would not have survived without treatment. I cannot imagine how scary that is for a parent, but my parents’ tears made it clear that it was, in fact, terrifying. Further, I strayed from my value of compassion towards others. For example, one time, just before entering treatment for the first time, I was so angry at, and rude towards, my father because how dare he buy an Asiago cheese bagel for me – an act that I would have sincerely appreciated before developing my eating disorder. He also doled out thousands of dollars to allow me to afford treatment at a residential eating disorder treatment facility, only for me to relapse not long after leaving. My mom, who is brave and industrious, expressed feeling helpless to me for the first time in my life.

I can begin to let this guilt go by reminding myself that…

• Eating disorders are mental illnesses, not choices.
• I am a good person with strong, moral values. I am not my eating disorder.
• I have already apologized to my parents for the pain that my anorexia has caused them, and they do not blame me.

In order to really practice forgiveness and truly feel like I can let go of this regret, I can…

• Practice making recovery-focused decisions that align with my values. Further, I can practice self-gratitude each time I make a recovery- and values-directed choice.
• Foster close relationships with my parents by participating in authentic, honest connection with them.
• Practice gratitude for my parents and their unending support. 

Another thing that I hate about myself is my inability to be as productive and effective as I would like.

There are so many chores, creative projects, and activities left incomplete or even not yet started. Falling into the “comparison trap,” I envy those who are constantly “doing” and “achieving.”

I can begin to let this self-directed anger and shame go by reminding myself that…

• I did not choose to lack “spoons,” waste time with BFRB, or be an introvert who is drained by social situations.
• Productivity is an arbitrary societal value. It does not make any person inherently better or worse than another person, and it is not one of my top values. I value family, nature, love, learning, compassion, honesty, and faithfulness (to those I love, not religion) all above productivity. 
• I am actually more productive than I give myself credit. I work two jobs; take care of a dog with mental and behavioral challenges; maintain relationships with my family, my boyfriend, and my friends; practice art; put effort into self-improvement and eating disorder recovery/relapse prevention, and write and manage my blog. Even if I let some of these responsibilities go, I have inherent worth and value beyond any of these tasks. 

In order to really practice forgiveness and truly feel like I can let go of this shame and anger, I can…

• Consider rest, relaxation, self-care, and acceptance of my limitations as productive contributions to my wellness and not failures.
• Practice acknowledging and being grateful for what I can and do accomplish.
• Defuse from the ideas that 1) others are as productive as I imagine, 2) I should be as productive as them, and 3) productivity should be one of my top values.

The thing I am struggling with the most now is the intensely negative impact that adopting my dog has had on the people I love and have lived with after adopting her.

I feel selfish for believing it was okay for me to adopt a dog for my own emotional support. The problem is that she barks throughout the evening and night almost every night preventing everyone in her vicinity from being able to relax or sleep.

I can begin to let this self-directed anger and guilt go by reminding myself that…

• I did not have any way to predict that my dog would have mental health challenges or such severe behavioral issues, and I did not intend for her to negatively impact my loved ones.
• I am not the one barking. My dog is her own unique being, and I cannot determine her behaviors. I did not directly do anything to prevent my loved ones from resting or sleeping.
• I am doing everything in my power to try to help positively impact and transform her wellbeing and behaviors.

In order to really practice forgiveness and truly feel like I can let go of this shame and anger, I can…

• Defuse from my idea that others should and do blame me for her behaviors and the idea that they are upset with me.
• Practice gratitude for my patience, resilience, and persistence while putting effort toward improving her mental health and behavioral issues.
• Continue to cultivate values-based relationships and experiences with both my dog and the people she negatively impacts.

I am working on cultivating forgiveness and self-compassion. However, it is a slow journey because I have spent years ruminating in self-doubt, shame, guilt, and self-hate. It takes time to rewire my brain to truly believe that perfection is impossible.

Everybody has “imperfect” aspects of themselves of which they are not proud. All people, including the people who I admire most in the world, make mistakes. They still deserve love, forgiveness, and compassion. So do I, and so do you.

About what do you feel guilt, shame, or self-directed anger? Why do you deserve to let these feelings go? How can you practice self-forgiveness and cultivate self-compassion? Let me know in the comments below!